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He’s here, safe and sound.

In my first sleep
I came to the river
And looked down
Through the clear water –
Only in dream
Water so pure,
Laced and undulant
Lines of flow
On its rocky bed
Water of life
Streaming for ever. Kathleen Jessie Raine

Arriving on Tuesday morning, a healthy 7lbs 7oz a beautifully perfect grandson.

Mum did wonderfully and looked amazing after an 18 hour labour.

We visited on Wednesday and we are in love. He slept but then after a feed and a change he was awake and taking everything in.

I can’t wait to see him grow and change, I can’t wait to see his Mum and Dad with him, loving and nurturing him. Their tenderness and obvious emotion with him is awe inspiring. Such a different dimension seeing your child hold his child.

The love, I am told, is like no other, and I feel that already. We are just staring at photos of him, craving more and also hugs too. After such a year to have him arrive safely in the last month is uplifting, giving hope for the future and hoping that tears will be happy ones rather than those bringing more stringent measures whereby we can’t see them.

Grief and the passing of time

The last two weeks have passed so quickly and I have been busy-perhaps too busy.

Dad’s funeral was lovely, the sun shone, people came from afar and we feel we gave him the send off he deserved. I wrote and read the eulogy which hopefully had the right mix of humour, pride and love expressed. Mum wanted a celebration of his life and that was what we did. The very essence of Dad was felt on the day. There were lots of tears, hugs and all as socially distanced as possible. Support and love has continued to be given to Mum, although she is now in self isolation up to the 15th.

The day after, we had family drop by and also visited Lunan Bay near Montrose, a favourite place of ours. It gave time to reflect on the past weeks and how there will be change in the future.

Last Saturday there were goodbyes and a straight forward drive home. The garden had really bloomed in my absence, only a few casualties of seedlings and tomato plants.

Very quickly ‘normality’ prevailed and work beckoned. There was a lot to do, also to catch up with friends and family and people have been so kind. The many cards and flowers have been uplifting.

Yesterday I had rebooked to attend a macaron masterclass and I was so looking forward to it. Half way through I became very unwell, after about 45 minutes I was ok enough to return, but was left jaded and with a headache. I returned home to go to bed whereby I slept.

Either Friday’s prawns were dodgy, although no one else was ill, or perhaps it was my body just saying-slow down. Grief is about dealing with losing someone and it’s also about adjustment and realignment to change. There are changes for all of us in the coming months and we will embrace these changes as a family, supporting each other as we go. My default is to organise, prioritise and do; perhaps after yesterday I need to release myself just to be and begin my journey of change.

Mum has her op on Wednesday so we are all praying for a successful outcome. This will give Mum time to reflect and adjust too. We will support her any and every way we can.

A whirlwind week

This is my first experience of arranging a funeral and thanks to Dad and his comprehensive list, a wonderful funeral director and priest it has not been as hard as I had expected on a practical level.

Elaine, Mum and myself have broken things down into manageable chunks and each day have achieved something. My brother in law has also helped with some admin too. The funeral is all arranged, with much thought going into clothes, touching mementos, flowers, readings, hymns, songs, ways to stream the service to Tasmania and charities for donations, so that we honour the memory of Dad, his interests, likes and loves. No black, and the charity’s are: heroscharity.org and ticrappeal.com. This encompasses homing of retired racehorses and research for cardiovascular disease, both close to Dad’s heart.

We have had so many cards, flowers, offers of support and help that the kindness shown has been overwhelming.

Everyone says the same thing about Dad’s quiet, unassuming manner-a gentleman. So much respect for who he was and what he did. Dad has been an inspiration and my moral compass throughout my life, and I will emulate the inner and outer contentment Dad had as I retire later this year.

But, it’s very hard too. Hard to comprehend we won’t physically see Dad again, although I do have video footage over many years to look at when the rawness has receded. I hear a creak in the hallway here and momentarily think , oh it’s Dad……… His study is where he spent time and sometimes a casual glance into the room, there is an expectation to see him sitting on the sofa, reading his elite racing journal and for him to look up and smile.

We’ve laughed and cried, looked through photos, people have shared photos with us and everyone is a precious piece of Dad’s life.

We have enjoyed some very touching moments between us, on one occasion Mum brought me to happy tears as she shone brightly like a star in choosing her outfit for the funeral.

I’ve cooked, cleaned, organised as I cope by being busy. I don’t think it has fully hit us yet, but Mum has been remarkable so far in her approach to the funeral preparation, insistent that it will be a celebration of Dad’s life, of which she was a part for 65 years. What an amazing woman!

Elaine has potted on geraniums that Dad started earlier this year, so seeing these flourish will be lovely. We will continue to support each other and family have visited us almost daily, which hopefully will make things easier on the day.

Till next week

Winning the lottery.

Our beloved Dad was taken into hospital on Wednesday after becoming very poorly and Elaine and I travelled up as soon as we could but Dad succumbed to the many conditions he suffered with and died in the early hours of Thursday morning, as he had lived, with dignity, quietly without fuss. This was how Dad always did things. Whilst at the age of 88 his death was not necessarily unexpected, but the swiftness was a shock, although for Dad the speed was a blessing.

It will take us some time to process this, and there is much to do and arrange to ensure that we prepare a celebration of Dad’s life. He was unassuming, gentle, cheeky, and as one dear friend has remarked, Elaine and I won the Dad lottery. Oh yes we did and we will miss him so much. There is much I want to write but the rawness makes it too hard, so for now a selection of photos and I will put into words later about this wonderful man, I’m so proud to call my Dad.

Father-a man in relation to his child or children.

A Celtic Blessing
Deep peace of the running wave to you,Deep peace of the flowing air to you,Deep peace of the quiet earth to you,Deep peace of the shining stars to you,Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.May the road rise to meet you;May the wind be always at your back;May the sun shine warm upon your face;May the rains fall softly upon your fields.Until we meet again,May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

Almost a year ago

Last year almost to the day I found out that we were going to be grandparents, and I was thrilled.

Since December 8th, River has been such a joy in our lives and I’m so proud of Joe and Nicole and how they have taken parenthood in their stride. We all know it isn’t easy, the challenges are many but the joys outweigh any a hundredfold.

He is thriving, and his personality shines through. It is the best feeling.

This afternoon we took a trip out to Burnham on Crouch, a favourite haunt of ours when the children were small. We strolled along the promenade, the wind whipping through our hair, and the sun came out later where we felt the warmth from both the solar orb and the familial pull of hope, the future and more memories to be made.

Another trip to Scotland, another hospital

We had lovely weather for our day trip to Brighton. River met Great Aunts Elaine and Jane and we had a lovely seafront stroll, ice cream and the usual wonderful fayre to eat.

Sunday and a trip to Hopefield sanctuary to see the donkeys, pigs, llamas etc. River slept through.

Monday and I was early to work and left to catch a train to Scotland. I’m getting used to the delays and this time was due to an overzealous gardener cutting down a tree that landed on the track, but at least I got a good view of Discovery!

Exhausted after a late dinner , it was an early start on Tuesday to drive to Edinburgh. The journey was fine and we then had an hour’s wait to see the doctor. A curved ball with talk of open heart surgery, and the possibility of a research trial. This caused some upset, frustration with decisions to be made. This was reduced when the research trial option was removed.

Wednesday was full of cooking, shopping and getting ready for the journey home.

Thursday’s journey was good I arrived home to a tidy house and dinner.

I finished a book ‘untamed’ by Glennon Doyle which in parts resonated with many things in my life, and I want to re read so that I can explore how to cope better especially with the new chapter just around the corner.

Saturday saw all the furniture I the kitchen/family room outside so that the ceiling could be repainted-good job is was a dry day. Today is the Greek Orthodox Easter so Nicole is preparing a Greek feast for us to enjoy! It’s also a bank holiday tomorrow so a short working week next week too. X

A week of change

Almost two weeks after making the decision to retire, I’ve been overwhelmed by the lovely comments, many of which are surprise, expressed sadness and congratulations. Everyday that has passed has provided me with the affirmation that this timing is so right for me.

A dear friend lost her husband this week, which highlights the importance of family and friends and being with them making memories to sustain when loved ones are no longer here.

Yesterday was very busy, working from home, and a culmination of the week’s preparation for Georgina’s birthday. I hope we did her proud. She’s such a beautiful soul, feisty, full of fun and one of my joy’s ( and there are many in my life) is hearing her laughter and she does that with gusto!

Today a trip to Brighton so I hope the sun shines. Xx

Exciting times ahead

I have spent the last few months (the last year really) wrestling with a decision. And the Easter break gave me the impetus to go for it, so decision made. I handed in my resignation on Monday to retire this summer. The relief was palpable and instant.

I’ve been associated with the school for 22 years, supporting the school as a peripatetic finance technician from 1999 to 2005, after which I was employed in the role of Bursar. The role has changed both in title and responsibility, increased hugely over the years, and I am proud of what the role has given the school and me, but now is the time for a new chapter and the challenge of retirement.

This last year has been hard on us all, but the business of running a school, even with few students and staff in situ, still has to be carried out and maintained. Bills still need paying, goods etc still to be ordered, contracts managed and renegotiated, staff are still paid, capital projects still go ahead, Governor meetings, bank reconciliations, and LA reporting. The additional covid related tasks were many and just had to be absorbed into routines, difficult conversations, furloughing staff to name a few. There was little respite and over the last year with my parents health concerns and our grandson’s arrival, I feel now is the time to take stock and think of me, my family and what is next.

I am under no allusion that the next few months will be a challenge in itself, as I hand over but this will provide me with comfort too.

It’s strange to think I will not return in September, but it is also exciting. I want to travel, do things outside my comfort zone, hone skills I already have, learn to make macaroons, cook in Tuscany, paint, spend precious time with loved ones. I want to be more fearless, take some risks and be fulfilled, with less stress. I may even change the name of my blog or start a new one as my new chapter unfolds.

I’m excited and looking forward with a big grin on my face!

Testing times

Nearly four weeks have passed, with an easing of lockdown, and another from Monday. We have enjoyed seeing River and he is growing and changing so much. Such a happy, content wee man.

We’ve been to visit another household, which was so lovely and met my sister’s new puppy, Dora. She’s a black cockerpoo and delightful! I’ve met up with my dear friend Debbie outside too.

The final game of the six nations was Scotland v France and a historic win in Paris for Scotland meant Wales lifted the trophy for a spectator-less tournament. Let’s hope we can go next year.

It’s been the Easter break these last two weeks and the busiest time of the year for me what with year end and a new budget to be created. Both completed which has afforded a much needed sojourn for card making, cooking and a small amount of cleaning!

The weather has been very changeable but we’ve enjoyed the warmth and the snow in equal measure. The garden is beginning to pop and I’m planning some additions and improvements over the coming weeks.

I’ve upped my mojo re little touches around the house since work was completed and it’s great bringing a flavour of the family, where we’ve come from and where we’ve been around our home. Memories really are a gift.

And so I finish on the testing times over these last few weeks, yes twice weekly lateral flow tests to be done at home. They don’t take long and results take up to 30 minutes. Over 4k tests in school and so far not a single positive. Let’s hope we keep it that way!

I can’t believe how quickly the time is flying by, hopefully we will get news soon regarding my mum’s op: she has a phone consultation on a Star Wars date. 🤞🏻

Mothering Sunday

Originally Mothering Sunday was the fourth Sunday in Lent whereby people visited the mother church: where they were baptised or the nearest cathedral. Later it was when domestic servants were allowed to visit their mums. Mother’s Day is a modern concept and the two were combined, although in some countries they are celebrated separately.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day, which for many can be a day of sadness, a painful reminder of loss, for some what might have been, and to remember fondly what you had.

In my life I am surrounded by many mothers in our extended family and friends. A few don’t have children of their own, but nurture, support, encourage and love in many ways, and I am grateful to have them all in my life.

In life we wear many hats (although those that know me will know I don’t wear hats, so for me this is metaphorical) and the maternal hat is the most awesome, scary, privileged one to wear. The rewards are many as are the joys, but there are tears, doubts and insecurities. We do our best, we love, we’re there and we hold them tight when we can.

My Mum is amazing, from a large extended Italian family, born in Scotland, so we do good food, lots of gesticulation, emotion and love!

A stalwart, rarely confident in her beauty and intelligence, a woman who shines, never truly believed in herself, but gave me and my sister the courage to go out there and grab what is on offer. We have on occasion ourselves struggled with belief but we have hopefully made Mum proud. We both know we are very much loved.

Mum was taken to hospital two weeks ago, with a suspected heart attack-the call that afternoon was a huge shock and the next day myself and Georgina drove the 497 miles to help and support my parents. We weren’t allowed to see her (bloody COVID) but the positive meant she wasn’t in ICU or desperately ill.

Diagnosis was severe aortic stenosis and a valve replacement required, date pending…..This is heartening (no pun intended) as this means she can withstand surgery and it will massively improve her quality of life.

Mum is a little frailer than she was, is having to diminish her dervish traits, accept help and take things a lot easier. This will be so hard for her but will be worthwhile and that we keep her in our lives.

She’s fun, has irreverent humour, glamorous, stubborn and so much more. We all have our idiosyncrasies and life would be less enjoyable, full and challenging without. I will raise a glass tomorrow for Mums, past, present and those to be again, and those in the future. I will celebrate my own motherhood, remembering the mother role models I have had in my life, joy, love, highs, lows, and a whole gamut of emotions and long may they continue. We are all awesome in all our different ways. There is no right or wrong way to mother, just love, support and hugs! We are all special 🤗🤗🤗🤩🤩🤩

Happy Mothering Sunday!

The year Marches on….

Bye bye February 2021, not one of your finest but that’s the way it goes. Although a positive both Kevin and I were vaccinated today, which provides comfort for the future.

A week’s break from social media, and I’ve quite enjoyed it-I’ve lost a few ‘followers’ but again that’s the way it goes.

A few photos from the last week or so …. and a prayer for March to be a more positive month. So we look forward to the Ides of March, historically the 74th day of the Roman Calendar and the day for debts to be settled.

Tasks to do…

The snow started to fall last Sunday and as always seems the case, whilst forecast we all don’t quite believe it!

Monday morning and I made the decision early to work from home as the roads would not be gritted sufficiently.

Unexpectedly the glass for the dressing room was delivered as was Georgina’s bed: the drivers both said that main roads were fine but off those it was like a skating rink.

Tuesday and a surveyor regarding our blinds was to visit, measure and take away to cut, but all that was needed was a change of fixing so all five done!

Although temperatures were not above 0 it appeared that there was sufficient thawing to try to get to work on Wednesday.

I allowed time to clear as much snow as possible and cautiously moved off the drive, slowly, once I had traversed the two side roads I was on the main road, but the car wouldn’t go above 5 mph. Vehicles behind me grew impatient so I abandoned the car safely and walked home. Luckily I was wearing wellies and not my usual high heels! Don’t know why it just wouldn’t accelerate so another day working from home, but I had governors’ meetings that night and all my prep/documents were at school.

Thursday, I made it in and the car was fine (hubby had collected it later on Wednesday). I managed to get on top of tasks from the previous night’s meetings and think about what I could do from home in half term. It was my Dad’s 88th birthday and I managed to speak to him, although he is still awaiting treatment for his vocal chord palsy so is unable to talk back. My sister and I also spoke with him later in the evening. We are all struggling with not being able to see each other, it’s particularly hard for my parents, everyone is feeling the strain, but hopefully for not too much longer.

Friday was a day away from the screen for students, as we had many activities in and out of school, one being a bake off. It was great to talk to the students and see their creations coming to life. Some of them were from the group of students I looked after in Lille, so it was good to catch up with them.

Just randomly checked the info link in the afternoon to find out that our budget has been published for next year. It looks like we will be able to balance the books for another year, with the next three looking sustainable too. I will spend some time looking at this in more detail next week.

Yesterday meant an early start to chores, and finishing touches, from an extensive list to complete throughout the next week. Pipe covers for the radiators are now in situ, painting Kevin’s Nan’s footstool and some cooking were yesterday’s ticks. I also chose the fabric for the reupholstery too.

Rugby yesterday was full of twists and turns, quite literally, with England and Wales both victorious. Sadly, Scotland’s indiscipline was their undoing, a close match with only 1 point between the teams, but a loss is a loss. Today is bound to be a cracker between Ireland and France!

Fingers crossed for more clement weather this week and that when we return on 22nd we can begin preparations for opening to more students from the 8th March.

A week and a half

It’s been a week full to bursting. Plenty of downs and ups, and with the vaccinations moving apace, I could be done and dusted by my birthday!

A wedding invitation last week to Spain, and I’ve sent off for my new passport, booked flights and accommodation-a real leap, or that’s what it feels like, into the unknown… something lovely to look forward to, that makes five things now …..

The six nations began and after a poor Italian performance, the Scots played a great game to beat England for the first time in 38 years at twickenham, on the 150th Calcutta cup match. Let’s hope it’s not another 38 years as it is one of my dreams to be there to see it.

Georgina’s new bed arrives tomorrow unless the adverse weather delays it, and we have been busy cleaning and cooking for the week ahead.

We are approaching half term and after some very sad news to end the week, I’m sure we will all be glad of the break from work, home schooling and the daily pressures of the early starts. I do love half term week, although it is usually when our budget comes through and all the plates are spinning and balls are juggled…….

This week has again highlighted the importance of keeping those you love close, and tell them too as often as you can. Our grasp on life is tenuous and people and memories are more important than chattels

Peace be with you

The first month of 2021 is almost done and there is a glimpse of light down a long, dark tunnel. It would seem we are doing well with vaccinations and the lockdown, whilst very hard, is reducing cases, hospitalisation, which will in turn reduce deaths. This is a positive worth having!

All tests in school remain negative, a negative that is a positive too!

Work has provided many challenges and still more to face. We have secured funding for decarbonisation and the tenders were due in on Friday. All work to be completed by end of academic year-during a pandemic-no pressure then?

Our home is almost complete, each weekend trying to find ‘homes’ for our stuff, whilst taking trips down memory lane with photos and objects. But why do we keep so many, just to keep them in a cupboard, a drawer, a bag. This is a job to complete later to select a few tangible items to be used/on show. The rest to be up-cycled, sold, donated, photographed to make a memory board.

Today the sun is shining, it’s cold but there is new hope, and an opportunity to find peace, be at peace and enjoy what’s to come. We received a wedding invite yesterday for the summer, and it’s abroad. I must admit to instantly feeling very anxious: we’ll have to book accommodation, flights, car hire etc, what if it’s cancelled, what will it be like to travel again, and my passport is up for renewal. All questions pre lockdown wouldn’t even have existed-I would’ve just gone ahead and booked, so I will certainly be taking some deep breaths and just diving in as I would have.

Plans, projects and positives

Phew, what a mad ten days, testing area set up and running. Not without challenge but at least we did it. A great team effort all round: 55 hour week all told. I am rightly proud of myself too in galvanising the staff and volunteers to make this happen, even though, truth be told, I don’t think schools should be doing this. One positive is all tests are negative, but the jury is out as to whether the results are all valid.

In other news my parents and mother in law have had their vaccines, so that bodes well, for both them and us in the longer term.

My son and daughter-in-law are settled in Tasmania and her new job started on Monday and he has secured employment starting next Tuesday. So exciting for them both and we are both proud and excited! I do hope that we can travel later this year to visit them and also to be able to hug them too!

I’m starting to plan for this year as when restrictions are eased I want to be in a place that we can move into action with plans made. The work on our home is all but finished. Carpets were ordered and delivered last week and I’m hoping they will be fitted next week. The blind situation has still to be rectified, but not yet as the company has gone into lockdown. I’m hopeful that they could be up by April/May when the lighter mornings and evenings kick in.

Next will be the dressing part, the part I love: accent colours, mirrors, pictures and ornaments. My challenge is to reduce what I have into a few well chosen pieces rather than a scattergun approach of all. I also want to do a gallery wall: lots of planning to do for that so that it is aesthetically pleasing. These touches are what makes a house a home. Furniture, probably will be lockdown delayed, but I have April/May as a completion point in mind.

We’ve eaten well over the last few weeks and Georgina has excelled herself with her choice of meals to cook for us!

We had a dusting of snow yesterday and the garden has had that delicate frosting on more than one occasion.

I have signed up to Freddie’s flowers and they last longer than 7 days, and it is delightful to have fresh flowers in the house. I love that you get information on each flower and how to arrange them. Not sure whether this is a treat or an indulgence-probably both 😉🤩

River is blossoming and keeping mum and dad on their toes. Angel when asleep but we all know how easily those moments are switched. Put into perspective, these weeks are but a short time of their life and they will get through it 💕💕💕💕

This year there is so much to look forward to, and undoubtedly there will be change, but I’m looking forward to that manifesting itself, and I will be ready for it!

Enjoy your week!

Lockdown 3

Returned to work on Monday with the staggered start extended only for a full national lockdown from this morning to be in force. Schools closed to the majority of students, but open for vulnerable or key worker children.

Meanwhile schools have to be cleaned, sanitized, all normal operational tasks, difficult to do from home, still have to be done. Add to that to set up a testing venue for those in school, with a view to mass test when the whole school can return.

Free school meal provision has to be sorted and maintained, queries to be dealt with out of normal school hours. The offer of IT equipment and subsequent orders, but the infrastructure struggles to keep up with the demand, and IT teams struggling with the 24/7 queries re software/hardware etc.

New ways to log attendance both remotely and in person. Online learning to be rolled out- where from, who to, what resources are needed?Well-being checks by phone to provide some human contact, to seek solutions to any concerns or issues, whilst reassuring and comforting students and parents, and also our staff community and aware of impact on their wellbeing. We, like the students, want to be in school, want to do our jobs, see the students grow and develop, and celebrate success.

For me, it’s the not seeing an end in sight, data provided on graphs, tables, stats, briefings all painting a bleak picture. We have the vaccine, there is a plan but as always red tape can scupper these, which heightens anxiety and does little to propel us forward.

Hopefully there will be progress in the next few weeks that will see levels fall and vaccinations exceeding those planned. As we approach the harsher weather elements of the winter season we can look to nature to provide glimmers of rebirth and new beginnings as the bulbs begin to show as do the new buds on plants and trees. Seeing this always brings me joy: something we need in bucket loads. We need to be positive, calm and measured with what we have to do, and find within ourselves the strength to play our part in the solution.